I'm very upset tonight. When I get upset, I want to talk about things. Sometimes I stop myself from talking about things that are maybe too personal on my blog, but I'm not going to tonight.
Today, I've had tears for two losses. One of them, I feel excruciatingly sad. The other, I feel overwhelmed with a wide spectrum of emotions, but the one that keeps popping up is anger. I know the anger will fade quickly so I can start dealing with the hurt, but I'm going to admit that I am, in fact, angry.
The loss I'm aching over is for a genuinely amazing young man in my ward. I'm friends with his mother and they live 4 houses away from us. My kids play with this boy's siblings on a near-daily basis. Brandon's story is here, but the short version is that he was thrown from and pinned under a jeep this afternoon after football practice and is in critical condition. If he makes it through this, his life as he knew it will be changed forever... and it is the epitome of tragic. My heart is hurting for him, his AWESOME family, and all his friends. I hope the Lord's love will help them through every step of this scary process.
I'm sure that this is extra hard having just dealt with the loss of my dear friend's loss of their son, Ben Harris, a couple weeks ago. Many tears were shed for him and for the pain of his family, whom we love so much.
The other loss I'm dealing with right now is that of my sister, Camille. I haven't talked about it on my blog out of an attempt at sensitivity. But chances are good that she'll never read this anyway. I've been dealing with the loss of Camille (and her whole family) for nearly a year and a half. Back then, she announced to my family that they were leaving the church. It was a shock and a blow, but one that I could deal with. What I didn't deal well with was her self-inflicted ostracization from our family.
Cami and I have been very close. Not recently at all, in fact, not for nearly 6-7 years. She's my eldest sister and she taught me so many wonderful things throughout my life. She mentored me, served me, put up with me and gave me endless lists of advice. The advice wasn't always welcome, and definitely not always followed, but I knew she cared about me.
She's had contact over the last year with a couple of my sisters, but has rejected any outreach from my mother. I sort of understand her motivation, but it's been mostly irrelevant to me as I've watched her repeatedly hurt my parents. They are not perfect, but they don't deserve to be treated that way. Anyway, my mom got the chance to see her yesterday, and in true Camille-fashion, she dropped an atomic bomb that I want to bitch-slap her for. Apparently, any contact she has with ANY of us in the family upsets her so much that she wants NO contact, ever again, from any of us. Period.
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(these dots are all the things I want to say TO her and ABOUT her. But like Camille, I'm being a chicken and choosing not to actually put the words down on paper. Like I said, I'm angry right now and don't want to be held responsible for what I might say. But don't worry, those of you who are close enough will get to hear them as I process through the loss of my big sister. As you can see from the number of dots, it will be a long conversation.)
I guess I'll leave it at that.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
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