*Chapter 4* - Together at last, and then not.

In came August and school was starting soon. My life at that point was getting more and more chaotic with the start of my senior year. But, Paul was going to be moving back up to Logan and we would be able to see each other everyday now! Sounds peachy, right? Well, let me describe my senior year of college for you.

First of all, my academic line up was pretty intense. I was about to be a senior in a very competitive program that REQUIRES admission into grad school if you have any intention of becoming what you are studying to become - a speech-language pathologist. In order to pad my resume as much as possible, that previous spring, I signed up for everything and just loaded it on. Here's the line-up of my extra-curricular activities. First off, I was selected to be on the Institute of Religion Counsel's service committee. In August we had an IRC retreat. Another HUGE commitment was my being the president of USU's Mortar Board Organization. For those that don't know (and really, why would you?), it's an academic/leadership/service club (kind of like National Honor Society) that looks really good on resumes. Over the summer, I got to fly to Ohio for the leadership training conference. During the first week of school, I was in charge of planning our chapter's retreat up at Bear Lake. Also, being the MB president, I also had to go to a USU leadership conference. So, there was a LOT going on in August for me, and Paul and I started having more and more DTR's (determine the relationship).

I alluded in the previous post that things weren't always perfect over the summer and that I had some misgivings. I hesitate to explain why, but it basically boils down to the fact that Paul hadn't really picked a major, didn't really have a job, and was kind of a needy guy back then. I also struggled because one weekend Paul and I drove up the canyon to share our patriarchal blessings. I LOVED reading his blessing and it confirmed the part of me that loved and admired Paul. That same night, I found a copy of his college transcript, and I didn't feel as warm-fuzzy about that as I did the blessing. Paul moved back up to Logan and things became rough for us. Here's a quote from my journal, "I felt like I had no time for Paul. He wanted to see me every day and I just couldn't. He wanted to help me, but couldn't. From that point, we had a falling out at least a couple times a week." I was a TOTAL emotional wreck from middle of August through September. We had all these HARD discussions and then one night, Paul said as we were standing at the base of the Logan Temple, "Diana, I have to be honest and tell you that it is my hope that someday, you and I will enter that building as individuals and leave as one." To this day, this is my favorite thing he has ever said to me!

I WAS SO CONFLICTED!!!! I was dating this AMAZING guy, but the logical, "survival of the fittest" instincts in me were very loud. So I did what needed to be done for us both, which resulted in my writing on Sept 20, 1998, "Today has been the worst day of my entire life thus far. That sounds like quite the exaggeration, but unfortunately, it's really not." And it really wasn't. Even now, at the age of 32, that statement holds true. I had to break up with him and I STILL remember the physical pain it caused me.

We went an entire week without talking and I dreaded running into him on campus. Our mutual friend who'd heard both sides of the story ended up forcing us to speak again in order to clear some "fog" so to speak. That night, we opened up the lines of communication again and decided to slowly start dating with the arrangement to also date others. Well, not surprisingly, neither of us dated anyone else but our relationship was different. I didn't want it to get to a level that if I needed to back off again that it wouldn't be a break up. We (no, I) kept things "friendly" and intermittent. Paul eventually told me within a couple of weeks that he wasn't still seeing me just to save our friendship. He really did love me and started working really hard again at that point. But I held back.

But things started to change for me after an early morning hike we did up Mendon Peak. Our goal was to make it to the top before sunrise. It was an insanely cool experience that I actually ended up writing a 3 page (single spaced) allegory about it. It's actually even well written (if I do humbly say so myself!). Anyway, during this hike, I thought a LOT about my life's path and relying on God and where I needed my future husband to fit into it. We did actually make it to the top of a very steep mountain just as the sun crested over the mountains on the other side of the valley, and it was glorious. Experiencing that with Paul was sort of life changing.

On the mountain, Paul asked me if I would go to Homecoming with him. I was a bit nervous about going on such an official date with him again, but said yes. I was afraid of us kissing again because I made a pact with myself that the next person I kissed was going to be the man I married. After our painful break up, I never wanted to do that again, especially to Paul. We went to homecoming and had a great time... and I made it through the night without kissing him! But I'll admit that about a week later, I "lost some control in my fits of confusion and I let Paul kiss me again." (yet another quote from my journal, written on October 29th!)

This is us at homecoming

So I guess we were lucky again that we actually got 3 first kisses, each one was awesome.

More tomorrow.